Originally Published in "A Better You", Family First/Mishpacha Magazine. Dec.14. 2021
How to Have a Good Fight Abby Delouya BA, BEd, RMFT-CCC
Most couples have disagreements. We can have gloriously happy, connected marriages and still disagree. No matter how well-matched a couple may be, the fact is that we’re separate people who have experienced life differently and can interpret situations in ways that don’t always align. Hashing out an argument — while irritating — can actually strengthen your bond. If we didn’t care, we wouldn’t engage. Numerous studies have been conducted, notably those conducted by the Gottman Institute, which showed that it isn’t if a couple fights that affects the impact on their marriage, but rather how they fight.
After 40 years of research, Drs. John and Julie Gottman found that, with the right approach, a significant number of conflicts can be resolved happily. Drs. Gottman offer the following tips for having a good fight:
1) Soften your start up: How a conversation starts is usually how it will end. Starting a conversation with a harsh tone will usually lead to criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Chaya: Once again you forgot to take out the garbage. Now we missed pickup day and it’s going to be overflowing over Shabbos. (criticism) Benzion: This again? You’re like a broken record. (contempt) Chaya: Well, if you took some responsibility, then I wouldn’t have to say anything. We would be fine, normal adults. (more criticism) Benzion: Until we go to my parents for Shabbos that is — then you’d find something else to complain about. (criticism and deflecting) Chaya: Turns her back on her husband and starts furiously scrubbing the dishes. Try: to take responsibility, complain without blame, use “I” statements, describe without judgement, be polite, be appreciative, and don’t let things build up. Chaya: I see the garbage wasn’t taken out. I feel frustrated about that because then it’ll be full over Shabbos. Benzion: I did forget, I’m sorry. Chaya: I feel like I have a lot of responsibility and sometimes it’s overwhelming. Do you think you could please find a solution to the garbage before Shabbos? Benzion: I can try. Do you need me to do anything else in the house? Chaya: Thanks for asking — it means a lot. Benzion: I’m happy to help. I just forget sometimes, but I’ll put a reminder in my phone.
2) Learn to send and receive repair attempts A repair attempt is like slamming the brakes on when you see a red light. Repair attempts require two people — often it is easier to throw out an attempt, but harder to receive it. Happy couples send and receive repair attempts with ease. Chaya: Once again you forgot to take out the garbage. Now we missed the pickup day and it’s going to be overflowing over Shabbos. (criticism) Benzion: I cleaned your car the other day. I do try to help out. (repair attempt) Chaya: You’re right, you do try to help me. I just hate when the garbage piles up. Benzion: I get it, I’ll try harder to remember next time.
3) Soothe yourself and each other. Conflict discussions can flood us with difficult feelings. If either spouse feels flooded, take a 20- to 30-minute break and focus on the positives and gratitudes in the relationship. Being aware of your triggers is crucial.
4) Learn to compromise. Every marriage has “perpetual problems” — things that may not get resolved due to various personal factors. With these issues, compromise is important. Instead of defending yourself against your “enemy” for a lose-lose, try to be as curious as to what’s important for your spouse, and find a solution that honors both your needs.
Abby Delouya is a licensed Marriage and Family therapist in private practice with a specialty in trauma and addiction. Abby lives in Monsey, NY and maintains her practice in Canada